Sunday, February 21, 2010

A Harder Fight

Almost 8 years ago, I began my battle with cancer. I had just buried my father, who died of lung cancer, and my mom had been gone for almost 20 years, also from cancer. I was scared when I got my diagnosis, but also determined to fight. We'd found it early and things looked good. I thought that once I had beaten cancer, I could kick anything. I was wrong.

Two years ago, I was diagnosed with diabetes. No big deal, we'd control it with diet and exercise, and once I lost the weight it would be gone. Wrong. Turns out that, comparatively speaking, fighting diabetes is SO much harder than fighting cancer was. Oh, granted, for the cancer fight there was surgery and radiation to contend with, but with those, all I had to do was, basically, show up. The doctors and technicians did the rest and here I am, 8 years later, still cancer-free. (I hope...still have my annual check up next month.) But with diabetes, it's really all up to me. It's figuring out what to eat, and when. How many carbs can I have at each meal, what kinds of carbs can I have, when can I eat them and how much exercise do I have to do. It's a daily battle for the rest of my life. Sometimes, it takes me an hour to plan out a few days worth of meals for myself and my husband. Oh, and that's the other thing...the stuff I'm supposed to be eating is stuff he can't. He's got a blood clotting disorder and will spend the rest of his life on blood thinners, so figuring out the dietary requirements for both of us is sometimes a monumental task. Sometimes I want to just forget it all and order a pizza. But I can't.

My last A1C (the blood glucose test that shows you how you've managed your sugar for the last three months) was 10.1. Normal is about 5; 6.5 would be optimal for me. That scared me. It's now not just an issue of being overweight and not looking good. Now it's, "Will I go blind?" or, "Will I need to have my feet amputated?" or even worse, "Will I die?" And it's not something I do just until I kick this disease, like radiation treatments were just till I kicked cancer. No, this is every day for the next however many years I have left on this earth.

I used to complain about tracking for Weight Watchers. I hated it. I felt it put too much emphasis on food, having to think about it so much. Had I done the Weight Watchers tracking, I might not be in this predicament. Now, the tracking for diabetes is far more involved, and much more time consuming, and yet, I must do it, every day. EVERY DAY. Sometimes that bothers me, so I've done something to keep that in perspective. I've posted my last bloodwork results right on the refrigerator. Some people put pictures of bikinis, or of a dress they want, or, heaven forbid, a "fat" picture of themselves. That just didn't work for me. No, my A1C results reside right there on my fridge--I should put a copy in the pantry too.

So now I have this second fight on my hands, literally. All the doctor can do is scold me if I don't do what I'm supposed to; he can't do it for me. No one can, and I've determined that I want to live. And not just exist, but really live. I don't want to be an "old" lady just because I get older. I want to be able to enjoy my life-take a walk when I want to, feel good and have fun. So now I will remind myself every day...yes, EVERY day...that it's all up to me. And with that, I will end this and get on my stationary bike, as much as I hate it, because that is part of today's battle.

Cancer was easy. Diabetes is hard.

4 comments:

  1. Diabetes is hard. I got blood work done the other day for diabetes, and then I'm going for a glucose test. I'm scared to death of having it.

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  2. Well, Theresa, if you do, follow those doctor's orders right away. Let me know when you hear.

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  3. Charli,

    I didn't know you had a blog!

    If there is anyone who can win this battle, it is you! You have a such an incredible will power, and when you put our mind to something, you always follow through. I am here for you to help in any way that I can-- even if it is just being your cheerleader.

    I love ya!

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  4. Thanks, Laurie! Although my waistline would disagree with your assessment of my willpower. LOL Thanks for the support; you've already been there for me, even if you didn't know it. Reading your blog inspired me to go back to my own, which I'd started last year. So keep cheering for me, and I'll do the same for you! Go us!

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