Finding one's self

Yesterday some friends and I went to the Grounds for Sculpture in Trenton. I'd never been there before and wasn't sure what to expect. I figured there'd be art and nature. What I didn't figure on was that there'd be me.

When we got to the park I couldn't wait to walk around and immerse myself in the sculptures. What was really cool was that there were sculptures in and around the town itself, so you could see some art on your way to the grounds. I wish I'd been able to take more pictures of those pieces, but apparently I suck at taking pictures from a moving car. Actually, I'm a terrible photographer anyway, but having to hit a moving target was really a rough job. I didn't do well.

Anyway, once we got into the park I found plenty to photograph. It was a beautiful day and the walking was nice, even if it was a little hot. Just exploring an outdoor museum on a gorgeous day was a wonderful stress releaser. We walked, we laughed, and we had a great time. Finally, some time after lunch, we found a little table in the shade of a stand of bamboo and sat for hours, talking, laughing, and sharing a fine mood with everyone who passed by. And the people who passed by were all so friendly and willing to stop and chat for a few seconds. I think I'm still kind of high on that good feeling today, because I just feel so at peace.

Now I think I need to go back in the summer when the leaves will be on the trees and the park will be in full bloom. It was pretty yesterday, but should be glorious then.

Another thing I never expected was the peacocks. Not that I'm surprised by peacocks or anything, I just didn't know they had them. So many of them. And that peacocks make a sound that sounds like a cat in heat. A really loud cat in heat. I would think that if I heard that sound late at night I'd be nervous.

So now I must check out mapquest to get the directions. I want to go back.

Easter 2010

Happy Easter!

Well, here we are on the verge of true spring, and the world came back to life like Christ in the cave. Tim and I went to the boardwalk today, an Easter tradition I haven't observed since I was fifteen. That's a really long time ago. The weather was beautiful and after the winter we've had here in the Garden State, I think everyone was ridding themselves of the cabin fever that blizzards can bring about. What I noticed, though, that even though the boardwalk was packed, people were happy and smiling. There weren't too many kids putting up a fuss, and everyone just seemed at peace. The salt air will do that to you. I'll bet those kids slept really well tonight too.

Tim and I played our first miniature golf game today too. It was pleasant and we enjoyed each other's company while battling the hills and valleys of the standard miniature golf course. Mini golf is a relaxing pursuit; it's not REAL golf, so the stress level isn't there. It's just a nice way to spend some time (and 18 bucks-yikes!) and enjoy looking awkward while you hope for the freak hole-in-one to boost your score. This particular course has "caves" to get you out of the sun for a while, and Tim particularly enjoyed that aspect of the course. He's fairer than I, and shuns the sun at every opportunity. The caves are his favorite part of this course.

All in all, the boardwalk was relaxing and a fine way to spend this sunny Easter Sunday. Being there always makes me happy and content; my goal is to spend much more time there this summer, as I need all the spiritual restoration the beach affords me.

Bring on summer!

Spring break has always been a time of purgation for me. It’s the time when I switch my seasonal clothes and start trying things on. Last year I had to buy new clothes because nothing fit; things were all too small. This year, I was glad I saved those smaller clothes. Once again, most of the clothes I wore last year didn’t fit, but this time it was because they were too large. It’s a nice feeling.


So along with purging my wardrobe I’ve been trying to purge the crap that has accumulated around my house. My problem is in deciding where to keep the stuff I actually want. Right now, my dining room table is cluttered with all sorts of miscellaneous…er…crap…and I’m here writing this blog. Mostly because now I have to categorize all of it and then find a place to keep it where I’ll actually be able to find it again when I want to use it. You see, I’m a saver. See the title of my blog page for the reason. I save everything because “I can use” it. And I’m sure I could, if I could actually put my hands on it when I do need it. Therein lies the key: retrieval. It’s not just putting things away, it’s putting them away in places that make sense. I haven’t gotten that down yet, but I keep working on it. I’ll be downright dangerous if I ever get organized.

Stuff

It's been a while since my last post and tonight seemed like the opportune time to indulge in a little wordvomit. I've been unable to write recently, first because of some technology issues, and second simply because I've been stagnated by depression over the state of...well, my state.

Recent developments in the NJ State House have made me feel like Public Enemy #1. Somehow, the horrendous state of the NJ economy is my fault for wanting to, oh I don't know, pay my bills, perhaps? The media has hyped up the governor's anti-teacher rhetoric so badly that I feel that I'm constantly on the defense, even when I simply go out to lunch. All around me, people are complaining about "those damn teachers" and how our union is "too strong" and we're a bad thing for this state. I'm sorry...I wasn't aware that preparing the youth of NJ for a worthwhile future was a subversive act. The idea that everyone in the state (or so it seems) begrudges me the medical benefits that saved my life, or the hard-earned pension which will still require me to work part time to pay my bills after I retire actually has made me sick to my stomach lately. Now they want me to take a wage freeze next year. I no longer get automatic raises and depend on a longevity increase every five years, with next year's to be my last. My wages have been frozen, so to speak, for the last five years. But I'm greedy; excuse me. I actually thought I was doing important work for which I should be rewarded with a fair and equitable income that would pay my bills. Silly fucking me.

Ok, rant over now. On to other stuff. Which is a nice word for me...stuff. I once directed a production of one-acts and vignettes which I billed _Stuff_, as it was really a conglomeration of various ideas and genres. It was fun, and enabled me to work with some fun kids. Stuff has always been one of my favorite words, as it is such a utilitarian word. It can do any number of jobs in the language, and yet doesn't pin one down too much. I'm fond of not being pinned down lately, since I'm really seriously considering what I'll do when I retire from teaching. With all the economic flak lately, I was afraid I'd have to put that retirement date off, but I realized that no matter what is done to my salary or pension, I really will need to retire on schedule. I've loved teaching, but really, I will need a change in three years, so June of 2013 is my target retirement date. Of course, if the business of education gets any more ridiculous, I might go out in April of that year, since that's my actual anniversary date. Guess I'll have to wait and see. So now I'm left to consider what to do with my life. I can empathize with my seniors, looking forward to a future filled with promise and the unknown. I like it! Guess it's time to think about what I want to be when I grow up.

Well, this post has been a little scattered, but that's been my state of mind for a couple of weeks now. I need this spring break, just to have some time to get my head back together. I promise my next posts will be a bit more focused.

Technology Smechnology

Technology's really got me bumming today. I cannot access the internet on my school computer, so all those papers I was going to download and print out are going to have to wait. I'd do them on my home computers, but they're all dying a slow, painful death as well. The worn out laptop on which I'm writing this blog post is slow as molasses and pretty wonky, but it's all I've got right now. I just needed to vent about this because everything I've touched both yesterday and today has pretty much fallen apart in my hands. Not a good feeling. Oh, and I'm not just talking about technology, either. The food I tried to make for dinner last night literally crumbled in my hands. I gave up and went to bed around 9 pm last night simply because I couldn't take any more epic fail in my life.

So this afternoon, I tried to connect again. Still not working. I asked the tech guys at school why. They don't know. No reason for this. Really? They threw out a few suggestions, and I have to admit, it felt good to say I'd already tried all of those things. Then again, it made me feel bad because I'd already tried those things and I still can't connect to the internet.

So tonight, I'll spend time safeguarding the stuff on my school computer, backing up or moving files, and getting it ready for what may have to be an overhaul. In the meantime, I've got to end this post...this computer is driving me crazy.

Found Recollections

So today I was searching my flash drive for some class activities that I want to work on and found a brief journal entry from a couple of years ago. This is what I wrote then:
11/29/07

Today I helped an old lady into her wheelchair. Her daughter (I assume it was her daughter) was trying to get her into the hospital for an infusion for her anemia. It was clear to see the older woman was fragile, weak. Her daughter got a wheelchair and was struggling with it, getting tangled in her poncho and getting frustrated. I helped, not because it was the “right” thing to do, or because I felt my conscience tugging at me, but because I could see the daughter was scared and frustrated with more than just the chair. I know how it feels to be scared and frustrated with an overwhelming and overwhelmed system. As I looked around the registration area of the hospital I remembered bringing my father to the same hospital for his radiation treatments. We were scared. I was scared. Underneath, I knew he was dying even though he was responding well to the radiation. I tried so hard to keep my attitude positive and I held out hope for a very long time, but it was futile. So I recognized the fear in the daughter’s eyes as she fought with the wheelchair mostly because at that moment, I felt it too. Once you feel a feeling, it’s easy to recapture it. And I’d felt it twice. People who haven’t had a loved one with a terminal illness have never felt that fear, but those of us who have will never forget it.

As I read this, the day came back to me quite clearly. I was in the lobby of Community Memorial Hospital in Toms River, awaiting an appointment with a dietician to draw up my diabetes meal plan, and I saw this little scene play out in front of me. I still can recall not only that daughter's frustration, but my own reaction to it. Tragedy makes brothers and sisters of us all.

A Harder Fight

Almost 8 years ago, I began my battle with cancer. I had just buried my father, who died of lung cancer, and my mom had been gone for almost 20 years, also from cancer. I was scared when I got my diagnosis, but also determined to fight. We'd found it early and things looked good. I thought that once I had beaten cancer, I could kick anything. I was wrong.

Two years ago, I was diagnosed with diabetes. No big deal, we'd control it with diet and exercise, and once I lost the weight it would be gone. Wrong. Turns out that, comparatively speaking, fighting diabetes is SO much harder than fighting cancer was. Oh, granted, for the cancer fight there was surgery and radiation to contend with, but with those, all I had to do was, basically, show up. The doctors and technicians did the rest and here I am, 8 years later, still cancer-free. (I hope...still have my annual check up next month.) But with diabetes, it's really all up to me. It's figuring out what to eat, and when. How many carbs can I have at each meal, what kinds of carbs can I have, when can I eat them and how much exercise do I have to do. It's a daily battle for the rest of my life. Sometimes, it takes me an hour to plan out a few days worth of meals for myself and my husband. Oh, and that's the other thing...the stuff I'm supposed to be eating is stuff he can't. He's got a blood clotting disorder and will spend the rest of his life on blood thinners, so figuring out the dietary requirements for both of us is sometimes a monumental task. Sometimes I want to just forget it all and order a pizza. But I can't.

My last A1C (the blood glucose test that shows you how you've managed your sugar for the last three months) was 10.1. Normal is about 5; 6.5 would be optimal for me. That scared me. It's now not just an issue of being overweight and not looking good. Now it's, "Will I go blind?" or, "Will I need to have my feet amputated?" or even worse, "Will I die?" And it's not something I do just until I kick this disease, like radiation treatments were just till I kicked cancer. No, this is every day for the next however many years I have left on this earth.

I used to complain about tracking for Weight Watchers. I hated it. I felt it put too much emphasis on food, having to think about it so much. Had I done the Weight Watchers tracking, I might not be in this predicament. Now, the tracking for diabetes is far more involved, and much more time consuming, and yet, I must do it, every day. EVERY DAY. Sometimes that bothers me, so I've done something to keep that in perspective. I've posted my last bloodwork results right on the refrigerator. Some people put pictures of bikinis, or of a dress they want, or, heaven forbid, a "fat" picture of themselves. That just didn't work for me. No, my A1C results reside right there on my fridge--I should put a copy in the pantry too.

So now I have this second fight on my hands, literally. All the doctor can do is scold me if I don't do what I'm supposed to; he can't do it for me. No one can, and I've determined that I want to live. And not just exist, but really live. I don't want to be an "old" lady just because I get older. I want to be able to enjoy my life-take a walk when I want to, feel good and have fun. So now I will remind myself every day...yes, EVERY day...that it's all up to me. And with that, I will end this and get on my stationary bike, as much as I hate it, because that is part of today's battle.

Cancer was easy. Diabetes is hard.